


all the years I've missed your warmth (have you missed my warmth?)

by elisewin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Christmas fic, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2012-09-28
Packaged: 2017-11-14 10:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisewin/pseuds/elisewin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas 2023 - Louis has left One Direction ten years earlier.<br/>Something changes when he suddenly wakes up next to Harry on Christmas morning.<br/>(based on A Family Man)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nemiolo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nemiolo/gifts), [phantasielos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantasielos/gifts).



Ten years has passed since Louis quit One Direction but sometimes he still thinks about it; now it all seems so far away and memories of someone else's life, like his own life started just after it all happened.  
It has been ten years and some days, he remembers it because it was a few days before Christmas.  
He doesn't mind being alone too much, but on those days it could be quite annoying, with people being lovely with no reason at all and all those lights twinkling everywhere and couples being more coupley than usual. He doesn't care about the tradition, he doesn't care about being nicer, especially now that he's recording his third solo album. Even on the 24th of December. He would have probably recorded on the 25th if the whole crew didn't protest, plus his mom wanted him back home at least for a couple of days.  
  
Just like any other day, he eats his breakfast, drinks his coffee and reads the newspaper (trying to ignore the ads everywhere of Zayn Malik’s new album), and then he's off to the studio.  
"Merry Christmas, Louis!" some girls scream at him and giggle, but he doesn't even try to smile.  
"Yeah, you too" he mumbles – what's so great about this day.  
  
He goes on singing and reharsing new tracks the whole day and the unlucky sound engineer had to stay with him and listen to him singing the same tracks over and over.  
"I'm sorry Louis, could we carry on on the 26th? I would love to be home at a decent hour, at least today. Please".  
Christmas' spirit hits Louis for the short time he says "Okay, you can go". And then he wonders, once again, what's the point. What's the great thing about tonight.  
  
(or maybe deep inside he knows he doesn't want to be home too much that night, because he remembers exactly with whom and where he passed his last Christmas' Eve).  
  
Lights and Christmas trees and children running and throwing snow balls to each other and smiles, happiness everywhere.  
He wishes he could remember how it felt.  
How did it feel when Harry's fingers entwined with his? When his smiles were only for him and no one else? And why all of a sudden is he thinking about him, when he manages to keep him away from his mind most of the time (with the years is getting easier, the memories are fading, he can barely remember how his touch felt like, how his lips felt on his.) Maybe it is because of those stupid ads of Zayn's album. It was easier when no one of them was recording.  
"There is always time to change things, you know, nothing is eternal". Louis is waiting to cross the street when this creepy guy seems to have read his mind. He jumps a little. "Sorry I scared you, Louis Tomlinson". People tell him things the whole time, but this is not normal at all.  
"No problem,” he answers, even though it is. He really is scared by this guy with a scarf covering up his whole face except his eyes, but he tries not to show it. "There is no take backs, I'm sorry to disappoint you".  
"Not true at all,” he says. The light turns green and Louis crosses the street and hopes that he will get rid of this creepy man but he doesn't. He keeps on walking right next to him, he tries to walk faster but he's still there.  
"Sorry, but what do you want from me exactly? I'm going home, it's cold and I'm not really up to chat with a stranger right now".  
"Always so rude , Louis. I wonder why."  
"It's none of your fucking business, I suppose". Maybe it's time to start running and trying to go into his building before this creepy guy reaches him. "I'm sorry, I really have to get home as fast as I can, you know, Christmas' Eve".  
"But you live alone". Being on tabloids the whole fucking time is not funny at all. Everyone knows more about you than yourself.  
"My mom and my sisters came here tonight".  
"They are in Doncaster waiting for you tomorrow, but don't worry, I'm leaving really really soon. I only wanted to tell you that there are take backs in life, believe me. There is always time to fix things".  
He wants to say again how this is not his fucking business but instead he says "There isn't always time, I'm sorry to disappoint you, and I'm too focused on my career to think about anything else". Louis sighs: this is what he forced himself to believe in the past years. Career is all that matters. Not friendships or relationships that could screw your life up forever. Career. Music. Nothing else.  
"If this is what you choose to believe. good night Louis, maybe tomorrow you'll see things a bit clearer than now" and he winks at him. He's smiling too, a wide smile, but Louis can't notice it because of the scarf.  
"What the...?" And then he goes around the corner and the creepy man is not there anymore. He's alone once again.  
When Louis gets home, he thinks for a second that maybe he was right. Broken things can be fixed, but then he just shrugs and wonders how stupid he is, listening to someone he doesn't even know. There's no way, that's how is life will be like for him, solitary dinners and random girls or boys he likes on tour for just one night and one night only, there is no reason to get attached to people if they'll only hurt you.  
He goes in the kitchen because his stomach is grumbling, but his fridge would be completely empty, if it wasn’t for a really stinky piece of cheese.  
"Lucky me, chinese people don't celebrate Christmas" he thinks, and rings the take away.  
  
  
Louis falls asleep on the couch while watching some silly Christmas movie on television, with his take away still in his hands. For a moment he thinks how miserable he is while heading for his room, but as soon as he reaches his bed he falls asleep again and doesn't have time to moan about his life.  
  
He wakes up with a strange feeling, like he's not in his bed. Maybe he went home in Doncaster and he can't remember.  
But then he feels an arm resting on him. An arm. He hasn’t let anyone sleep in his bed for years, he would remember if he didn't go to sleep alone.  
"What the hell.." he whispers, until he hears the door opening and he thinks Mom?Is that you? But then that person screams: "Daddies!" and jumps on the bed, right on Louis, who wants to wake up from this terrible dream. Daddies. Who the fuck are you, why are you calling me like this and who am I sleeping with.  
"Good morning, sweetheart" and he recognizes this voice immediately.  
"Harry!" Louis says with a tone of surprise. Harry?  
"Yeah, good morning to you too!" and he laughs. He thought he had forgotten the sound of his voice, of his laugh, but it took only a couple of seconds to remember all of it.  
"Merry Christmas!" Then Louis focuses once again on the little girl landed right on him, who has called them daddies and has a really annoying voice especially because it must be something like 7am and he's really tired.  
"Merry Christmaaaas!" shouts Harry, takes the girl and starts kissing her while Louis stays still, unable to move an inch from where he's laying.  
This must be some kind of sick joke, he thinks. Harry looks at him, still hugging the girl, with an enigmatic look on his face.  
"What?" asks Louis.  
"You look weird this morning". This morning? Is he on drugs or what?  
"I'm tired, that's all". He answers. He wants to ask Harry what has happened during the night but he looks so happy with the girl he doesn't want to ruin the moment. So he stands up and leaves the two of them alone.  
When he goes out of the room, he finds himself in a nice house, with a lot of rooms but all he notices is another bedroom that must be of the girl because there is pink everywhere and then he goes downstairs and he takes the first keys he finds and storms out, still in his pijamas, and it's freezing outside so he pushes the button of the remote starter and he hears the bip coming from a nice car right next to him, outside the garage. There is a huge garden and it all looks so perfect he wants to puke. He takes the car, driving as fast as he can. He doesn't know exactly where he is, but this is definitely not London and all Louis wants is to come back to his apartment and his life or hopes that while he's driving he'll wake up from this strange dream. ‘I won't eat chinese anymore in my life’, he thinks.  
  
He reaches London in about half an hour, there is no one on the streets since, well, it's Christmas morning and people should be home unwrapping presents and not wandering around.  
When he reaches the building, he realizes he doesn't have the keys. So he rings the bell of the flat upon his and asks her to open the door.  
"Sorry, who are you?"  
"It's Louis, ma'am. The one living downstairs...?”  
"There's no Louis in this building, I'm sorry boy but you're confused and it's Christmas, I'm really busy at the moment, sorry, but shouldn't you be home with your family?" and then she's gone.  
"Did you get all mad tonight or what?" he screams to no one in particular. Or maybe he's the one who's gone mad. Or maybe this dream feels a bit too much real.  
  
Louis comes back in the car and wonders what he should do. Maybe it's time he goes to Doncaster to his family. Maybe he should try to call his mom first, maybe she's gone completely nuts too. Luckily he finds a phone in the car (the desktop is a picture of the girl with Harry and him and he thinks that a sick fan must have made it or something) so he dialls his mom's number.  
"Harry?" She answers.  
"Uhm, no, mom it's me, Louis".  
"Oh, love, Merry Christmas!"  
"Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too, mom." Then he pauses, thinks what he should say not to sound completely crazy. "Listen, uhm, I'm coming over and..."  
"Louis? What the hell did you drink last night?"  
"No mom, I didn't...."  
"We're heading there, like every year. I can't wait to taste what Harry has cooked cook for lunch! Are you sure you're okay?" Louis feels like he wants to slam his head on the wheel, maybe he will wake up. Is he okay? He should ask her if she's okay, not the other way around.  
"Yes, I'm fine, just a bit tired, that's all. See you later, then." He says and hungs up.  
He doesn't have the time to think what to do next, as the phone vibrates and he sees a picture of himself on the screen (with "Lou" written on it).  
"Uhm, hello?" He answers.  
"Where the fuck are you, Lou?" It's Harry. He doesn't sound pleased.  
"Uhm, I... I wanted to buy some stuff for lunch I forgot to buy yesterday so don't worry I'm coming back Haz, I'm..." He has called Harry that way so many times but that word hasn't slipped out of his mouth for the past ten years, so it feels weird, especially because it came out so naturally.  
"What the fuck are you saying, it’s Christmas morning, Lou, everything is closed! Did you take some drugs last night or what? Whatever, I don't care, just come back home, please? Amy here is freaking out". Amy? That's probably the girl's name.  
"Yes, sorry, I'll be right there".  
But then Louis realizes he has no idea where he came from. Luckily the satellite navigator in the car has saved the destination "home", so he follows the annoying voice.  
He's still in his pijamas, driving a car on Christmas morning, going back to a place called home but where he has never been before. And he thought that screaming fans and the creepy guy the other night where the most absurd thing that could ever happen to him.  
  
When he comes back home, Harry is in the kitchen, cooking something that smells incredibly delicious. Not that Louis is suprised – when they used to live together it was exactly the same, maybe without a little girl playing in the living room, who screams "daddy!" as soon as she sees him. If it wasn't for her, it would feel exactly like it used to.  
The house is obviously bigger but Louis suddenly remembers what he felt when he got back to the house they shared after a day they hadn't been together, when he could finally hug him from behind and kiss him on the neck while he was cooking something for dinner and then Harry would smile and tell him how much he missed him and everything felt right.  
Except that now Harry goes out of the kitchen looking quite angry, not smiling at all.  
"Maybe we should talk, uh?" He says, while Louis tries not to act awkward around the kid, who's playing with the toys she has just unwrapped.  
"Okay". Louis feels intimidated. He follows Harry into the kitchen, the smell of turkey everywhere.  
"So, what is going on?" Harry asks.  
"I woke up with a weird feeling this morning. You'd probably think I'm crazy, but, uhm..." Then he changes his mind. He can't explain to Harry what happened because he knows that he wouldn't believe him if it was the other way around. You can't just tell someone 'yesterday I was alone in my apartment and now I'm like...married to you even though I haven't seen you for the past ten years'. "uhm, I mean you know me, I have never been exactly normal."  
"That's true, but I mean, I thought you loved Christmas morning and you missed Amy unwrapping her presents, you were so happy with the choices we made and you just....storm out like this? In your pijamas?" Harry looks him up and down. "You're a mess". Then he comes closer and Louis wants to run away again, instead he leans in for a kiss and oh, God. He forces himself to pull away but he can't control his body, all those years spent in convincing himself he didn't need any of this and just the contact of his lips on Harry's erased all his convinctions. Harry laughs.  
"Woah, you really are weird today."  
"What's wrong?"  
"Feels like you haven't kissed me in ages". Yeah, he thinks, I haven't.  
"Sorry, I'm... I'll go take a shower, okay?" because he can't be much longer around Harry, it doesn't feel right. Ten years. He built a wall between himself and the whole world, and just a couple of minutes with him, and the wall has fallen.  
  
‘This is not okay,’ he thinks while he's under the shower - for him it is like Harry showed up on his door after ten days and then started kissing him like nothing ever changed, and for this Harry (this world's Harry? He doesn't understand where the hell he is) it is not, of course, they probably have been going strong for all those years. He broke up with Harry and he still feels guilty and Harry shouldn't look at him like that, like he's the only thing that matters in the entire world because it is not fair. He was an asshole, he doesn't deserve him. He doesn't deserve any of this. He wants to go back to where he belongs, to his empty apartment and his sad life and his tours and fangirls screaming at him, those loud screams that make him forget about anything at all.  
He has to patiently wait for the day to be over, and he will wake up home the next morning.  
  
Louis comes out of the bathroom half an hour later, and there's Amy standing outside and she's looking at him like he's some kind of monster.  
"Are you sure you're my dad?" She asks, eyes wide open.  
"Uhm, well.. yes, I think I am." He doesn't undertand at first what she means, but then he thinks she may be smart enough he's not the right Louis.  
"I don't think so. He wouldn't miss Christmas morning for anything in the world, he told me yesterday before going to sleep". Louis wants to cry. This other self must be the best person in the world, and he feels even guiltier.  
"I'm really sorry, I... was... I will make it up to you, I promise". He smiles but her eyes get teary so he doesn't know what to do anymore and runs to the bedroom. He couldn't stand holding eye contact with that kid anymore, she already understood too much.  
He can ear her running down the stairs screaming "Daddy!" and crying and he doesn't want to come out of that room anymore.  
  
There are pictures everywhere on the walls (he hasn't noticed earlier because he was too busy trying to understand what he was doing in a bed with Harry and a kid) - pictures of moments he hasn't lived and probably will never live (he envies the other Louis, the good one), and some others he remembers well, at the X Factor, the five of them in the house, some pictures of him and Harry, the first picture of them in the house they rented after the end of the show, Leeds festival (those that he recalls as some of the best days of his entire life), and pictures of the two of them all around the world, some places he remembers and some he doesn't because that was the other Louis, and the other Louis and Harry went on vacation to the Maldives, and to a lot of nice places in South America, and a picture with a baby who's probably Amy a few years earlier, other pictures of One Direction (some of them seem recent, and he wonders if they're still together or not), bliss and happiness everywhere, the opposite of what his last ten years felt like.  
  
"Sorry if I'm disturbing you, mister, but our families are coming soon and I would like you to help me with the table". Louis is so used to live alone that for a moment he is almost telling him 'why didn't you knock the door, you twat' but then he remembers that this is Harry's room too, and if he didn't think he was crazy earlier, then he would probably have after that sentence.  
"Okay, I'm coming"  
"If you don't mind, of course, if you want you can keep on staring at the ceiling for the whole day, no big deal, it's only Christmas". Louis laughs. "What's so funny?"  
‘I was just thinking how this feels so familiar it hurts, Harry. How stupid I was, that day, to let you go.’ "Nothing, don't mind me".  
"Yeah, that's what I've done for the past few hours but I wish you could start to be part of this family again for Christmas dinner, would you?" This family. They are a family now. "And since you're acting so weird today, I hope you didn't forget the boys are coming over later".  
"The boys?"  
"Do you remember, our band? One Direction? The X Factor, where we first met? Are you getting premature Alzehimer?"  
"Oh." This is all Louis can say. They're still in the band. They didn't split up, because he stayed with them. He remembers when, well, in the real world they decided to put an end to it and that was one of the last time he saw Harry on tv, almost crying while talking in the press conference, the girls being interviewed saying they were going to kill themselves and Liam being is usual self, saying 'this is not a farewell! We'll be back one day'. And that image of Harry was stuck in his head until that day - now in front of him there is a completely different boy, a man, happy and satisfied with his life and Louis doesn't know what to do.  
  
Amy looks happier now that Louis has come to help them, and he hopes she will get convinced he hasn't changed at all. They put a lot of nice decorations on the table while listening to some Christmas music, with Harry coming and going from the kitchen and singing some of the songs, and Louis can't help but think, this is too much. This is too perfect and there is no other Louis, this is definitely just a dream because these things only happen in those crappy Christmas advertisement on tv. Then the bell rings, and it's his mom and sisters.  
"Hello, hello sweetie! Are you okay now?" His mom says after hugging him tight.  
"I am, yes, sorry for that creepy call earlier, merry Christmaaas!" and his sisters hug him too, and he thinks how different they act in this dream, they are so cold in real life. Maybe because he became so cold towards them (they didn't change, I did). Amy runs to the door and screams "Grandma!" and then looks at Louis and asks him,as if it was the most exciting thing in the world, if she can open already grandma's presents and he can't say no to those big brown eyes.  
"Do you remember when we had a brother and not this boring, old family man who can't say no to his 5 years old daughter?" says Phoebe, and the others laugh with her.  
  
After a while Harry's family is there too, the house is so crowded and when he watches both the families there together at the table, Louis thinks for a second that maybe, just maybe, this whole thing isn't so bad, but then he remembers that this is not his life, he's only a guest in the good Louis' life, or just a dream, or whatever this is. He thinks about A Christmas Carol and that this must be some sort of ghost's joke, he is like Scrooge, he hates Christmas and then he'll wake up in his bed and he will be a good person again (this is all so absurd that even a Christmas Carol sounds real).  
The last Christmas before he and Harry broke up, it was only the two of them because they decided they wanted to enjoy some quietness after the crazyness of the tour, and even back then Harry did all the cooking and Louis stood there watching him the whole morning, completely focused on the stoves, and in that moment he thought he couldn't love him more. But maybe, if there was another Louis, a good one, he could. Could love him more. Because this Harry, for the short time he has been with him, is even better than the one Louis remembers.  
  
"Louis is weirdly quiet today, what happened? Did you have a fight?" asks Harry's mom.  
"No, not really," laughs Harry. "But I'm glad you noticed it too, he has been acting in a strange way since he woke up, he looked at me as if I was a ghost." (and that's exactly how Louis felt.)  
"Ah you boys should stop drinking that much at night, you should be responsible fathers now!" says Phoebe and Louis thinks that he wishes this dream was caused by alcohol, but he's sure he didn't drink the night before. Maybe there were some weird ingredients in the noodles.  
  
The house is even more crowded when, in the evening, the other boys arrive. Louis is suprised to see they don't look much different from the way they look in his world. Especially Zayn, who had the best solo career of them all, and Louis had the chance to meet several times (what happened was that they exchanged hellos, took some photos for the press and then fought in the backstage as Zayn told him how he ruined everyone's else life. And by everyone he meant Harry.)  
So when Zayn smiles and hugs him, he stands there, deadpan for a moment, before hugging him back because it feels so unnatural (and it shouldn't because they were the closest thing he had to brothers), but his world-Zayn hates him and told him he wished they never met.  
Liam has a ridicolous red sweather with a reindeer on and Louis can't help but comment it.  
"Yeah I know I told him he looked like an idiot but... I mean, he's Liam". says Zayn and they all laugh except Louis who feels like this is some sort of deja vu and he doesn't want to be there anymore, he hates all of it, he hates them because they used to make him feel so good, like he belonged and now he doesn't anymore - this is just a dream that has to end up soon and he wants to throw up so badly he runs upstairs and goes into the bathroom.  
After a while Harry knocks on the door.  
"Are you okay?"  
Not really, he thinks. I don't want to remember how good it was. "Yes, I am fine, I just...must have been something in the food, I..."  
"Please don't tell me you're pregnant, is already too hard to have to deal with just one child". Louis grunts. Harry's bad sense of humor didn't change much. "We're waiting for you downstairs".  
  
Louis is supposed to be the loudest of the group. But at the moment he sits on his chair, his head lying on Harry's shoulder, and listens to the other chatting, he understands they're not recording at the moment and they will probably be gone for tour once again soon (but he doesn't care, he won't be there anyway, he has to think of his own tour, hoping he won't meet Zayn again somewhere). He wonders though, what's the point of adopting a baby if you're gone most of the time? He could never imagine having his own children, let alone grow up someone who's not even yours.  
All their eyes are on him - not that he's not used to that but now they are all looking at him as he's about to die very soon, he can't take it anymore and he's about to tell the boys he's sorry but he needs to sleep, when Amy climbs on his laps and asks him if he's fine and kiss him on the cheek and in this moment Louis is about to break down. He takes her and puts her on Harry's lap, who looks at him confused and Louis just says he's sorry but he's not okay, he needs to lie on the bed.  
"Jesus, Lou, weren't you the one who always couldn't wait for Christmas party and all that shit" says Niall.  
"I know" he doesn't, of course. "But it must have been something I've eaten, the chinese last night..."  
"We didn't have chinese last night" Harry says suspiciously.  
"See how bad I feel? I can't even remember what I ate last night!" The others laugh, while Harry looks disappointed at him. But Louis doesn't care because as soon as he reaches that bedroom and falls asleep, this dream - nightmare - this craziness will be over and he will be alone and miserable all over again.  
  
Daylight wakes him up, filtering through the courtains. I'm back, he thinks.  
"Your family is going home, thought you wanted to know" – this is not the sound of silence he was expecting it would have greeted him. This is Harry's voice. And he doesn’t sound pleased.  
"Oh.Okay". Louis doesn't even turn to the other side because he knows exactly how Harry would look at him. He waits for him to go away and then gets up, it feels like he's hungover even though he has drunk only one beer before feeling dizzy in the evening.  
He goes downstairs, still in last night's clothes, his mom and his sisters looking at him with such pity looks that are extremely familiar ("ehy Lou, we'll always be there for you even if you left the band, and we loved the band, okay?" ten years earlier).  
"I don't know what is wrong with you, but I hope you'll sort it out" says his mom before hugging him. He wishes so badly he could.  
  
"First, you storm out on Christmas morning, for who knows which reason, and okay, I forgave you, then you get sick all of sudden, I even got worried I did terrible cooking but you were the only one who got ill so, then you disappear in the middle of the evening and say you ate chinese the night before when we actually had chicken salad, and I won't say anything on the way you're acting with Amy, you made her cry twice in not even twelve hours, when you're usually the one who cheers her up no matter what." He has been avoiding confrontation because he can't lie to Harry. He can't ever lie to him, and now that he looks at him with tears in his eyes it is even harder  
  
(That look he had on national television that day, on the press conference "it has been a pleasure. This has been the best thing it happened to all of us", looking directly at the camera, Louis felt as he was looking at him, he couldn't stand him even if there was a fucking screen between them, and fuck, now he remembers all of it and it sucks).  
  
He can't make him suffer even in this world, because if he does, he basically admits he's the worst human being ever existed. Not once, not twice, but even in an alternative universe.  
"I am sorry, Harry. I am." Louis thinks of something stupid, anything that could sound somehow convincing. "I must have gotten some really bad form of Christmas flu, or maybe when I looked at that horrible sweater Liam had, yeah, it must have been it, if you think about it I felt sick after they came in..." and of course Liam wasn't the reason but at least Harry smiles a bit.  
"I wonder what I did wrong in my past life to deserve this. To meet you, and to deal with you every single day of my life, because I hate myself for not hating you at all".  
"Unfortunately, not hating myself is my biggest weakness too". Louis says this because being a total idiot is his way to be defensive, as he feels he's about to start crying in a minute.  
  
(because he remembers other things, he remembers "I hate myself for not hating you at all", that last day, and he wishes he had erased all of it, every single part of that day from his brain).  
  
He doesn't want to show Harry his teary eyes so he can't help, again, but to kiss him, and his brain must have shut down because he realizes he has pushed Harry on the wall - he only pulls away because Harry does, looking at him a bit confused.  
"I get it now, it is like in those movies when your young self goes into your thirty years old body!"  
"Yeah, you got me!" And he laughs, but thinks it's quite creepy that he almost understood what is going on. "I didn't want to be so reckless".  
"I actually liked it, Lou, but when Amy is at school or sleeping, you know?"  
"Right, Amy". He says, as a reminder to himself. It is already too hard to cope with this whole situation, but having a daughter is the most difficult part. "I'm sorry." (He may won't ever say this to his world's Harry, but at least he has to this one. Even though it could be meaningless to him, what matters is how Louis feels when he says it, like he is finally admitting that it was all his fault.) Harry smiles.  
“So. When did you come from? I have to know how many things I need to tell you about our life.” Harry seems amused with this whole "you-came-from-the-past" thing.  
"Oh. Do you remember, we met in the toilet after our auditions. I went to sleep that night, and oops, I woke up here".  
"I thought you were cute, okay, but living with you with a baby... is quite upsetting. By the way, do you know that we're in this world famous boyband?" Harry laughs (  
"I know, who would have thought at that time.” Then he's kissing him again, until Gemma comes in.  
"Jesus, can't you keep your hands off each other for a couple of seconds?"  
"Louis here, came from the past. That's why he's so weird. He's still 19, he comes from the day we met each other!" Harry says it with such a serious face that Gemma freezes for a second until she realizes how ridicolous it is.  
"You're such an idiot. That would be quite interesting, though. I mean, just imagine, you barely know each other and then you're suddenly making out in the kitchen. Must have been love at first sight".  
"Yeah, in the toilet" says Louis.  
"....Okay, I don't want to know anything else about this, I'm out of here." She's out and then Harry hugs Louis, kissing him on the forehead.  
"I'll better start to cook something. And you should get to know a bit your daughter, don't you think?" He teases him, but for Louis that's pretty much the truth.  
  
After lunch Harry's family leaves too and it's just the three of them.  
"Now you’d better go sleep a bit, little lady," says Harry to Amy while she's playing with her Christmas toys in the living room.  
"I'm not tired".  
"Oh, you definitely are, I can see that".  
"I'm not, I'm a big girl now!"  
"Sure, but big girls get tired too". She keeps on playing, not minding the two of them being there. "Ok, then" and Harry takes her on his shoulder and she starts crying, a Barbie still in one of her hands.  
"I'm not tired!" she screams, and Louis looks at them and thinks how great he is with her. He used to be good with his sisters too, when they were little, but this is completely different.  
He can hear her scream from the bedroom, until she gets silent and Harry comes downstairs.  
"Thank you very much for you help, Lou, you were outstanding," he teases. "You're definitely going to wake her up later, I don't want to get deaf right before the tour, okay?" Then he lies on the couch. "I'm exahusted".  
"Yeah, me too". And falls on Harry.  
"How can you be tired, you slept twelve hours."  
"Ok then, I'm out of here". Louis says – he thinks it is such a bad idea to lay on him that way, but it's ridicolous how everything related to him comes so naturally he can't help it –, but as soon as he tries to stand up Harry pulls him closer.  
"I wasn't complaining, though," he adds and then they're kissing. Louis wants to make up an excuse and run away once again because he can't kiss him, let alone do anything else, because he knows this is not permanent, whatever it is, an alternative universe, a creepy realistic dream, this is not permanent and he'll eventually wake up in his own bedroom. He worked so hard on letting him go - or maybe it's already too late anyway.  
Harry's hands are already reaching his belt when the bell rings: Louis would have normally hated anyone disturbing them but now it feels like a blessing.  
"Must be Zayn and Liam. What a timing they've got, uh?"  
"Uhm, yeah, yeah". Louis tries to catch his breath (please let me go back tonight, whoever sent me here, I won't last longer) and goes to open the door.  
"Hello boys, nice to see you!"  
"Did we interrupt something?" asks Liam, with his most innocent face on, looking at Louis' undone belt.  
"Oh, not at all, what makes you think that, Li?" he says. It's funny how they're exactly like he remembers them, older of course, but the same people he left ten years earlier. "So, what about Niall?" He takes for granted that they would be all together, but Zayn and Liam exchange a look that makes Louis think there is something going on with the two of them. Sure, he wasn't stupid and knew that Zayn and Liam had always had a special relationship, but nothing was defined back then, especially with all the pressure he and Harry had at the time, but he thinks he doesn't even know if they're still seeing each other in the real world. He hopes that at least they do, anyway.  
"Uh, wasn't with us, I think he's coming later, he is probably still eating lunch". says Liam.  
"Does he ever stop eating?" says Louis and the other two laugh. (and he thinks, how did I ever manage to get away from all of this?).  
  
They spend the afternoon watching a silly movie, sat on the couch, Harry's head lying on Louis shoulder - as they used to do in their apartment, except there weren't Zayn and Liam acting awkard around each other (at least not most of the times).  
"I'm sorry but I think it's time you go wake Amy up" Harry whispers in Louis' ear as if he's telling him his dirtiest secrets.  
"Do I have to?"  
"You were basically off parental duties for twentyfour hours, I'm sorry". Parental duties. Why would it sound terrible coming from everyone else but coming from Harry it sounds something extremely pleasant?  
"Okay. Okay I'm going". He goes upstairs as he ears Liam and Zayn teasing Harry about them being role model parents. If only they knew. If only they knew what Louis has actually done, that they probably barely speak to each other now, he barely speaks to anyone, to say the truth. When he goes into Amy's dark room he thinks he has no clue how to wake her up without making her cry as she did earlier - but then he remembers the way his mum dealt with his sisters and he may have lost his ability but definitely he was a good big brother when they were little. So he gets close to her and starts whispering "ehy, you have to wake up", and as soon as she opens her eyes he says "please, don't cry", but she does anyway and then he panicks.  
"Please, please Amy don't--" but she just can't stop so he picks her up "jesus, weren't you not tired at all two hours ago and now what, you want to sleep more?" and she cries even more now, so he takes her downstairs, where the three boys are laughing over who knows what stupid things and they stop to look at Louis and the kid.  
"Lou you've got a look on your face, it looks like you never got to hold her before" jokes Liam, and he doesn't even know how true it is what he's saying.  
"Yeah" he says, kind of annoyed as he hands Amy to Harry.  
"Woah, relax Lou, we're joking," says Zayn, always trying to protect his  _boyfriend,_ or whatever they are, Louis thinks.  
"Yeah, sorry." He has lost count of the times he has said it, but he doesn't know what else to do - he thought it would be easier to pretend to be this amazing person the other Louis seems to be - with Harry it all feels to natural but when it comes to relate with everyone else he's just helpless. Amy of course is at the top of the list. He remembers when Harry told him how great he was with his sisters and now it is the opposite, he looks like he was born to be a father and he can't even stay with her five minutes before she starts to cry. "So, are you staying over for dinner?" It is the first thing that comes to his mind to ease a bit the tension.  
"Sure," says Liam, and then they make small talk; Louis notices that Harry is looking at him disappointed as he manages to make Amy calm down.  
  
After dinner - when the boys leave, including Niall who came over only for dinner, of course - Harry and Louis are taking the dirty dishes to the kitchen with an unconfortable silence. Louis knows that from Harry's point of view he has no excuse to act like that, so he doesn't even try to make up for it.  
While Harry is loading the dishwasher he finally says: "So, are you seeing someone else or what? Because that's the only reason I can think of." Louis freezes, the forks he's holding almost fall on the ground.  
"I'm sorry?"  
"I mean, if you were me, would you think otherwise?" Louis can't say anything - he knows that if he doesn't answer he will take it for a yes, but his mind goes blank as soon as Harry raises his head and looks him in the eyes - his eyes filled with tears.  
  
("You can't leave the group" he had said, and then lowered his voice "and you can't leave me" his voice broken - Zayn, Liam and Niall looking at each other with embarassment and leaving the room as fast as they could. And he couldn't say anything that day too.)  
  
These flashes of his past keep coming to his mind and it's awful.  
"Ok then. I'm bringing Amy to sleep and I hope that you will find a nice excuse in the next ten minutes".  
I've got drunk while you were sleeping? You were right, I have premature Alzehimer? Everything would sound more plausible than the truth.  
  
When Harry comes back downstairs, he doesn't even look at him - goes down the corridor and Louis hears the slam of a door, and a minute later the sound of a guitar strumming.  
  
(He used to make fun of Harry when he tried to play the guitar, said he was learning just to get laid, Harry laughed, still concentrated on the chords.  
"You got me!" He said.  
"For what is worth, it is definitely working with me" )  
  
Of course it sounds so different- he knows how to play now - so he follows the sound down the corridor and stops when he finds himself in front of the room Harry's in. Louis stays there, his ear pressed on the door, and listens - does this happen anytime they fight? Do they ever fight at all? Does he write songs as the real Harry does? (he knows that because he has read his name several times in cd's booklets – once, someone thought it was incredibly funny and asked him if he ever thought about singing a song written by Harry Styles - as a result that person ended up on the floor with a broken nose.)  
  
He doesn't know how long he stays there - but when he hears that Harry is laying down the guitar he goes into the nearest room.  
Louis finds himself in the room where all the prizes they won are (the Brits and all the platinum albums and awards and woah, Louis didn't think he made such a big difference but without him they didn't win all this stuff, they didn't sell all those records.) There are huge photos hanging on the wall too, promotionals shots mostly. All these pictures here, and the one in the bedroom, make him feel nostalgic for something he never lived.  
"Trip down memory lane?" He thought that Harry was already upstairs, so he jumps a little when he comes in. Louis looks at him and nods, still unable to say anything. "We should get some new pictures for the last album, do you think we'll have to start to put those on the ceiling?" and he smiles a bit. (Harry seems to be unable to be mad at him for more than ten minutes. How could they possible still feel the same other after so many years?)  
"Believe me, I wouldn't do that to you. Not after the whole Eleanor thing." Louis says then. (he has done something way worse, he reckons, but at least he wants to make it up for the other Louis.)  
"Eleanor who?" They both laugh at that. "You still have to take Amy to kindergarten tomorrow morning, you know that, right?"  
"Of- of course I do".  
"The Alzehimer is kicking in, uh?"  
"Yes, do I know you? I'm Louis. I think." Louis stretches out his arm and Harry shakes his hand.  
"Hi, I'm Harry. I think I'm in love with you". Harry laughs but Louis is crushed - no one has told him that, excluding his mom, for years and then he tries to be normal and keep on joking because that was supposed to be a stupid joke and not something that breaks his heart in two thousand pieces - because no one ever tells him that, because he's Louis Tomlinson, he's only able to destroy good things.  
"I-I think I do too" he says and then he tries to pick up all the pieces "we should go watch a movie or something, yeah?" Harry nods and then they're in the bedroom and all Louis can focus on is Harry, he has no idea what movie they're watching but he probably had seen it before (having a lot of time for himself means watching a lot of movies during his free time).  
He knows that if the next morning he'll wake up home he will regret it, he will regret having opened up to Harry too much, but he can't keep his eyes off him - his curls, his eyes, his lips, his collarbone, he wants to kiss it so badly it hurts.  
"If it's not interesting I can turn it off," Harry says and he knows he has been staring with too much lust. "I'm sure we can find some other good ways of spending the night." Louis thinks - I can't: kissing you makes me want to crave for more and more and I can't have this forever, I can't have you forever, so I can't.  
"You seem far more interesting than that, yeah" he says instead and this time there's no Zayn and no Liam that are there to stop them.  
(And he let other hands touch him, so many times, but no one knows him like Harry does)  
  
This night Louis can't sleep.  
Harry's lying with his head on Louis' chest and he doesn't want to close his eyes - maybe if he doesn't go to sleep, if he doesn't sleep at all, he could be there forever. He doesn't mind listening to Harry's breathing, anyway.  
Not even twentyfour hours before he couldn't wait to wake up in his bed but now - it was hard to leave him the first time, but a second one?  
He can't remember how long it took to heal this wound (healing, that wasn't even the right word to use, he never completely recovered from that pain, anyway), but that time it was harder because they were on television and on the newspapers all the time, but now he has to believe it will be easier, as he doesn't have to see them all time.  
Just give me another day, please, he thinks.

He has fallen asleep, somehow, probably for only a few hours because when Amy climbs the bed and wakes him up while she tries to get between him and Harry, he has a terrible headache - but nonetheless he's glad he's still there.  
Louis hugs Amy, for the first time he feel happy to see her (but then he reminds he has to bring her to kindergarten and has no idea where this place is).  
"Good morning," mumbles Harry "You two have fun, okay? 'Night" and turns to the other side.  
Louis gets up, with Amy clinged on to him and gets downstairs with her like this (he has done this a million times, even with more than one child at the time, her sisters climbing on his legs, laughing as if that was the best thing they could ever do). When they reach the kitchen, he thinks he has no idea what she likes. He hasn't been there the past two mornings.  
"Are you sure you're my dad Louis?" she asks, again. Maybe it's time for him to give up.  
"I thought I convinced you I am".  
"Okay, so what do I eat for breakfast?" She's clever, he thinks. They've done a great bloody job with her. "See? You don't know. My dad Louis knows everything about me." Then she adds "Are you an alien?"  
"What? No, I'm human! Listen, I am Louis. I have.... I have only made different decisions in my life and... it's a long story, I don't want to bother you - so it's true, I don't know you, I don't know what you eat for breakfast and I have no idea where your school is".  
"Okay. But you have to promise me that my dad will be back soon".  
"I promise. And you have to promise me you won't tell Harry, okay?"  
"Okay" She doesn't look too convinced.  
"I promise you I will make you pancakes every morning for a week if you don't tell him".Now she smiles widely and nods.  
He definitely doesn't need to miss a person who doesn't even exist in his own world.  
  
It is a good thing she is smart and reminds the way to school, otherwise they would have probably been still around this place they're living in (he has no idea how it is called but he wonders why they didn't stay in London) (he has all this gaps about this life he wants to fill but he knows it is useless, if not painful).  
As soon as he waves her goodbye, he hears a familiar voice.  
"Louis Tomlinson!" And here he is, the creepy guy with the scarf.  
"It's you!" He realizes all of a sudden. He has done all of this.  
"Could be. I hope you're changing your mind, Louis Tomlinson. See you on the other side!"  
"Wait I don't --- I'm fine here, okay? What's the point?"  
"You'll see it for yourself" and then, he turns for just a second and creepy guy is gone. Again.  
"You fucking hate me, don’t you?" He screams, even though the guy is gone. Like he needed to catch attention on himself even more, all the parents and kids look at him.  
"Ehy, watch your language!" screams a woman. Louis reaches his car without bothering answering her. "Ah, these popstars, who knows what drugs they're on all the time".  
  
When he gets home, Harry is awake and on the phone with someone - a radio interview, as he hears him saying "Yes, we're still enjoying it a lot, we're still--" Then he sees Louis and smiles at him "---we still feel the same as when we were 18, yeah". He knows he can't kiss him right now because it wouldn't be polite so he smiles back and listens to him talking.  
  
The problem is that he thought that being alone wasn't so bad. You can eat whatever you feel like eating and go out when you want to and not have to tell anyone you're going to be late and - he thought, really, thought that that was okay, that he didn't need anyone to be fine. (but then, was fine enough?)  
Then this crazy thing happened and he comes back home with Harry smiling at him so widely he wants this to be real, to come back home every evening after recording and find him smiling at him and forgetting what he was saying at the phone because after twelve years they still make the same ascendancy over each other.  
He thought - he convinced himself, mostly - that their lovestory would have ended eventually, but now that he knows it wouldn't, it's even more painful.  
"Yes yes, we have collaborated with Ed since the beginning and it's a pleasure to write with him, he's great. I really enjoy our sessions together". Now he knows that Harry writes song in this world and with Ed Sheeran, too. (Louis met Ed afterwards a couple of times and of course he didn't even bother to say hi). "I'm sure, yes. It's funny because they told us we'd be over soon every year and we're still here, we said a lot of times we're like brothers and always meant that, that's why we stick together. Uhm? Yes, exactly. Okay, no problem at all. Have a nice day, bye!"  
Harry hungs up and Louis throws his arms around him.  
"So, if we're all like brothers, should this be considered incestous?" he says.  
"Idiot".  
"I know. So, what's the plan for the morning?" Louis asks, and kisses him (he definitely has some nice ideas of how to spend the morning).  
"We have a photoshoot, sorry. And we're already late".  
A photoshoot definitely isn't on his list of the nice things he has in mind.  
  
The photoshoot is just like any other he had in his life, even though it’s a lot of fun being around his mates.  
It is all so normal, the way everyone acts around him and Harry, it is the first time they're with someone who is not related to them, he almost feels disappointed. They're not special, they're Louis and Harry, everyone knows they're together but they don't make a fuss about it. But once again, he was the one who left, he was too scared to admit he loved a man and gave up on everything he loved - Harry, and the band. He has done all by himself, there is no one else to blame.  
  
As they come back home they go to pick Amy up (Louis sees the same woman he met that morning who frowns at him).  
Amy runs into Louis' arms (must have been the pancakes in the morning), and Harry acts jealous.  
"Ehy! What did you say last night about me being your favourite?"  
"I'm sorry, I love you too!" She says. Then she shows them a drawing she did earlier. "This is you and Liam and Zayn and Niall at a concert". She drew them on the stage with the microphones and lights on them and something that should be the crowd and Louis wishes he could take this back with him in his real world and keep it as a reminder of how bad he screwed everything up.  
"This is great! We'll show the boys, we will bring it all around on tour, okay?" says Harry.  
"This is even better than some things Zayn has done, but don't tell him!" adds Louis and Amy laughs.  
"Nooo, he is the best!" and then she says "Oh miss Barton says it is going to snow today!" while they're heading for the car.  
"Nice, we are going to make a snowman, but bigger than last year, what do you think?" says Harry, while he fastens Amy's seatbelt and Louis wishes he knows how this snowman looked like (he hasn't made one for such a long time, had mostly whined about the snow in the last years).  
"Of course, this big!" She gestures trying to reach the top of the car.  
"Even bigger!" says Harry, such an enthusiasm in his voice that Louis wishes so hard he can be there another day more.  
  
This is probably his last meal with Harry and Amy, and also the first time it is only the three of them, and Louis thinks - this is how being part of a family feels like. Not like he never had one, his mom and his sisters are family, but it is not the same as having your own.  
Maybe, just maybe, now he feels as he can open up to someone else again - maybe. (can he do that to someone that is not Harry? He doesn't know, but he knows for sure there's no way he's getting him back. Not in this lifetime, at least).  
So they eat fish and chips and Louis thinks that this is the best he has ever had, or maybe it is just because it feels so ridiculously perfect, or maybe because Harry is really the best cook ever.  
Amy decides that dinner is boring so she starts throwing chips at both of them - normal parents would stop her from doing that, instead Louis and Harry actively partecipate in the battle (maybe is more like Amy has adopted them, since they're enjoying the moment more than than she is), until they ask for a truce as "we're too old for these things".  
"My friend Sarah says I'm lucky I have young parents. But you're not!" she protests.  
"She meants good looking young parents, I'm sure" says Louis.  
"No she told me she likes Liam!"  
"Oh ok, I have to talk with this Sarah tomorrow then"  
"I know you worry about being everyone's favourite, but a 5 year old? You really are hopeless," says Harry (‘And there won't be anyone who knows me better than him’, he thinks).  
"Hey, they must be educated since their childhood!"  
"We won't probably be around anymore when she gets to her teens, you know that right?"  
"Hey, we're not that old!"  
"But you said you are old!" Amy complains. "If you're not, then we can still play, right?" Louis gives Harry a knowing look and then they're running all across the house trying to catch her.  
  
When they take Amy to sleep they're both exhausted (Louis thought that a concert was hard, but that is a hundred times harder), but she asks for a goodnight story.  
"Sorry, your turn" says Harry and he's out. Louis picks the nearest book.  
"So, is this one okay?" she nods.  
"Maybe I can like you too, you're not bad". Louis smiles and starts to read.  
She falls asleep soon, so he kisses her on the forehead and says "Goodnight" (‘Goodbye’, he thinks).  
  
Harry is in their bedroom and is writing something with frenzy on a piece of paper - Louis stays on the door and watches him, he doesn't take his eyes off that for at least five minutes until he realizes the other one is there.  
"Oh, sorry. I was waiting to hear Amy crying but I suppose you finally got back to be your old self".  
"I suppose". then he approaches the bed and lies close to Harry. "What were you writing?"  
"I was trying to put down in words how this whole evening felt like. Like, how I could ever ask for more in my life?"  
"And then they say that only desperation leads to inspiration." Louis kisses him instinctively and Harry is protesting because he wants to write more but Louis doesn't care (because this is his last night) (and he knows how wrong this is, how bad he will feel in the morning, when he will be alone, but right now he doesn't care.)  
(Sex is good, always, he thinks, but with Harry - it is on a completely different level. How has he been able to let someone else touch him, he doesn't know.) (And what he thought earlier, about opening up to someone else? Bullshit).  
  
Louis is still convinced he doesn't need to sleep. At all. At least for three o four days, he can resist. He can stay up all night listening to Harry's sleep, watching him.  
But at some point his eyes are starting to close by themselves so he gets up, trying not to wake Harry up, and goes downstairs - he looks outside and notices it has started snowing, as Amy said. He's crazy enough to take a jacket and go outside, he sits in the patio and watches the snow falling silently on the ground.  
"Why are you out here freezing?" Harry comes out a while later.  
"I thought, I haven't enjoyed snow much since I was a child, so I was trying to catch the magic."  
"Did you?"  
"I'm not sure. It is only ice to me, but you are the poet between us." Harry laughs and sits on the chair next to Louis’.  
" _His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead_." declaims Harry. "And, before you say anything, no, I didn't write it, it is James Joyce, the Dubliners".  
"Of course I knew that wasn't yours!" (he hated when Harry mocked him on his lack of knowledge on English literature, and apparently this still hasn't changed). "Okay, maybe I wasn't the best in my English literature class, that is true".  
"But it is a good story, and it's not very long, even you could read it!"  
"What is it about?"  
"Uhm, well, it is apparently the story of a Christmas party in an Irish family".  
"Like the ones Niall tells us about, drunk people and people going outside naked in the snow?" Harry laughs.  
"Not really. But, that's not the point, the story is more about this couple. He... he loves her. But he finds out she loved one other man." Louis takes his chair closer to Harry.  
"I'm freezing". He says.  
"Maybe you'll want to get in when you hear the end of this story, then,” says Harry.  
"So, go on! I'm hooked up now." (he would listen to Harry's speaking for hours, whatever the subject.)  
"So. She told him the story of her first love - this boy, who died for her at seventeen. He went outside, even though it was snowing and it was freezing, just to meet her. She thought about him because she heard a song that reminded her of him, her husband notices how upset she was. And he realizes that he never, never loved someone as much as she loved that boy. And he feels empty and--"  
"Such a funny story, thank you, now I'm really enjoying the beauty of the snow!"  
"Ehy, isn't it really romantic?"  
"The fact that she's in love with a dead person? Oh, so romantic, Harry." And then he thinks how he knows exaclty how this woman felt - Harry might not be dead, but Louis lost him forever. If he'll ever fall for someone again, and that’s unlikely to happen, he will know perfectly how it feels: when he hears a song that reminds him of Harry, for instance - it happened sometimes, on the radio, and he immediately changed station, and if someone was with him he would have said how much he hated that song.  
"Sorry. I didn't want to upset you! Can we go inside now? I'll make some hot chocolate!" Louis nods. Harry goes inside, and before Louis closes the door, he hears a familiar voice.  
"You are cheating!" The creepy guy now has crossed every limit.  
"What?" Louis whispers. "What are you doing here?"  
"Only wanted to tell you, you can't be awake forever, I'm sorry. You'll have to come back eventually".  
"But not tonight!"  
"That is not your decision to make." And before Louis can tell him to fuck off, again, he's gone. So he goes into the kitchen.  
"Where you talking to someone?" asks Harry, while he's stirring the chocolate in a pot.  
"Uhm, no. Wow, I really feel I can die just like the poor boy in that story." then he pauses and adds "Do you think you could ever get with someone else if, say, I die? I mean, that is very likely to happen in the next few hours, so I need to know". He smiles but Harry looks at him seriously.  
"I don't think I could, honestly. Would you?"  
"No, I'm sure I wouldn't". And that's his way to tell him he loves him. And Louis knows it for a fact - in ten years, he met many people, he could have fallen for men, women, but no one ever affected him. No one.  
"Okay, ready". Harry takes the pot off the fire, and pours the hot chocolate in two mugs (two Beatles mugs Louis recalls they bought for their first apartment).  
  
"Good memories, those mugs" he says, smiling. (Memories of first kisses, in the kitchen, in the living room, the moments when everything seemed perfect and no one could break them. I want to feel that strong, again, he thinks. I want to think, again, that nothing can tear us apart).  
"Yes, and you made fun of me because every time we moved I always worried about them because I didn't want them to break and now you get all sentimental (emotional?)?" Harry says as he sips the chocolate.  
"I don't really need the mugs to remember all of it, do you?"  
"You will need when your Alzehimer will spread and I'll try my best to make you remember things." They laugh. "We'll end up just as the Notebook."  
"I wouldn't mind, except for the Alzehimer part, if we're still together when we're old and rusty, with our grandchildren running in the patio. Because, of course, Amy will have a lot of children." As soon as he says this, Louis aches at the thought, because - he really means it. For the first time, since he got there. A future, with Harry. He doesn't want to end up as the woman in the story, he doesn't want to cry anytime he hears a song that reminds him of Harry, because he is still alive and it would be stupid to let go - and this is what the creepy man tried to tell him since the beginning and it took him three days to realize and now he's sure. He's sure he still wants all of it.  
"No way, I will never allow her to date anyone, ever. She's going to stay with us forever." Harry laughs.  
"No grandchildren, okay. She won't ever, ever have sex. Just the three of us, then?"  
"Sounds great to me". They smile at each other and drink what’s left of the hot chocolate in silence (Louis stares at Harry the whole time, thinking, once again, why did I give up on you - on us).  
  
Getting back to bed is quite painful, but he tries not to show it. This is the end of it. "You can't cheat", creepy guy said. He has to let it go.  
"Good night, then". Harry says.  
"Yeah, good night". Louis answers and hugs Harry tight, very tight. He's asleep after only a couple of minutes, Louis’ eyes are filled with tears, and the last thing he says, he whispers into Harry's ear "I won't give up on us, I swear", and not even the time to think, ‘I love you’, he's asleep too.


	2. Chapter 2

Louis wakes up - he looks for Harry as he moves on the other side of the bed but no one is there. He doesn't need to open his eyes to know. He's back in his apartement. 

It's 28th of December but his cell phone reminds him it is still Christmas. And it's only 7am. 

He has to get ready to get to Doncaster, to his mom and his sisters, but he can't seem to move from his bed and now the silence of his room is so loud it almost hurts. 

"Why have you done this to me?" he screams, hoping for the creepy guy to show up once again, but nothing happens. 

There is no one to make pancakes too, no one who wakes him up screaming 'Merry Christmas!', this morning. 

He goes - or it would be better to say, he drags himself - in the kitchen, makes a coffee, opens the cupboard and sees a Beatles' mug (not the same he shared with Harry, though, must have been a gift from someone he doesn't even remember) and right now everything, everything reminds Louis of him, and Zayn's face again on the newspaper doesn't help.

He wants to reach Doncaster as soon as he can, he hopes it will help not to think.

But then when he's on the highway, something happens - he's listening to Radio1 and "And now, a song from a group you still remember - we hope, at least we do. One Direction, from their Christmas album, Rockin' around the Christmas Tree. Enjoy" 

He would usually change station as soon as one of their songs is aired, but this time Louis doesn't. It was the last thing he recorded with the boys - october 2013, and they joked about how bad it was recording a Christmas song when they couldn't feel any Christmas spirit, and the same night Harry invited the boys in their apartment and cooked a Christmas dinner and dressed in red "So we can feel it" and Louis remembers that Harry looked all around for the Santa's hat and he couldn't find it so Louis went around London the whole evening to find a Santa's hat in October, and he felt so stupid because he wouldn't have done something like that for anyone else but Harry. He would have done everything for Harry, that was the point of being in love, right? 

 

It is around nine that Harry is woken up by the vibration of his mobile phone: he manages to take it and read the message: _"Merry Xmas mate! Things here are crazy, kids everywhere, and I have to play Santa again! Hope to see you soon! Niall"_. He smiles, because every year he writes the same thing about being Santa and Harry can picture him so easily, with his two lovely kids and his ridiculously big family.

It takes a bit for him to connect- he’s not home, in London, he’s back in Holmes Chapel, at his mom's house.

Harry doesn't tell anyone but Christmas hasn't felt the same since so many years now, and he doesn't say it because he knows that most people think he is over him, doesn't think about him anymore - and he doesn't, most of the time, but Christmas, Christmas was the time he left. It has been ten _fucking_ years but as soon as he wakes up the thought hits him and he would do whatever it takes to take Louis out of his mind. It doesn't feel as painful as it used to, sure, he could barely hold himself together after it happened but he's always there, somewhere.

For sure he's on his skin permanently. Those tattoos are still there and it was hard, at the beginning. He thought so many times about removing them, but then he got used to them being there and they basically became part of him – literally, because Louis influenced him more than he'll ever admit. (Louis is the reason he stopped singing) (not that he ever said it out loud).

Christmas with his family is good, Harry loves his mom and his step-dad, too, and Gemma who now has two awesome little kids and Harry adores being their uncle. 

He goes into the kitchen and is welcomed by his mom's smile and hot pancakes on the table.

"Merry Christmas dear!" and she hugs him. 

His mom knows him better than anyone else and she gets a bit overprotective at this time of the year. She remembers the mess he was that Christmas. And the one after that. And how he started pretending everything was okay, the year after. But she knows, he can read it in her eyes – her sympathetic look in these days. 

Every child loves Christmas, but Harry's best memories were from 2012 – when he and Louis decided to be just the two of them, in their apartment in London, far from the celebrity's madness. His mom was reluctant at first but then she understood and told him how happy she was for him and then, one year later, it was just the opposite. (He could barely eat, sat at the table, barely listening to what people were saying.) That one time he cooked for them and then they stayed in the whole day, cuddling and unwrapping stupid presents they bought for each other and drinking cheap wine and at the end of the night they were so drunk they couldn't even go to the bedroom – them and no else, and Harry thought (and maybe it was the alcohol, okay) he didn't feel guilty because Louis was his family now and he didn't break the tradition at all. 

But the point is – Louis gave up so easily. It wasn't easy for Harry either, dealing with Eleanor and seeing his boyfriend dating someone else because he was too afraid to admit it, but he always told him that he could wait. And what hurts him the most is that, somehow, he is still waiting.

Every time they were recording, he almost expected him to show up and cheer everyone up as he used to do, but – well, it never happened. And the concerts were the most painful part – he always looked at Louis for reassurance before they started, when he didn't feel safe or when he thought he didn't sing well; and Louis was there and made him feel okay just with a look – (and that is why after they split up he didn't accept his solo contract because he couldn't see himself on a stage without the others).

He gets a message from Liam: _"Merry Christmas! Listen to Radio 1- good memories!"_

Harry turns on the radio and, as soon as he recognizes the hit, he wonders what is wrong with Liam sometimes. He has known him for a long time now and he still hasn't understood if he's incredibly naive or if he's being particularly _evil_ this morning, because the song does bring back good memories but is painful at the same time. It is painful to think about all of that, the last song recorded with Louis. 

And that day, that Christmas dinner in the middle of October, Harry didn't know where Louis went and got worried because, damn, they were so addicted to each other that a few hours away from each other felt like forever – and he had no idea where he was and he came back with this Santa hat, all satisfied. (He still has that hat, he does, he wears it every Christmas and that's one of the several things he doesn't tell anyone because it sounds a bit pathetic).

He loved him so much that day because it was such a stupid thing to do but Louis did it anyway. He realizes he has been staring at the radio the whole time because now the song is over and he's standing still in front of it. 

"Are you okay?" asks his mom. 

"Yes, everything's fine. Liam told me --- never mind, I'm okay" and he rushes off to his bedroom.

He writes back to Liam: _"Merry Christmas to you too, mate. Good memories indeed, but it still hurts, you know?"_ Harry knows that Liam won't judge him (Zayn, on the other hand, would tell him he's an idiot because it has been ten years and Louis is an asshole. At least that was what he told him the last times they met. "He ruined our lives and he acted as if we were still best friends" and Liam tried to calm him down but Zayn was really upset) 

Liam was always the one who reassured Harry, no matter how stupidly he behaved (because his last relationship proved he was a total idiot): he always found the right words to make Harry feel better. 

_"I know – I wish we could be all together again, and I mean the five of us. See you back in London mate!"_ is Liam's answer and Harry smiles because he loves what Liam tries to say behind the lines without actually saying it. I wish you were still together, and he means it. (He even tried to make Zayn talk to Louis but apparently they almost ended up in a fight). 

For some reason, he has never wanted to Louis all by himself. He could have done that tons of times because, of course, he could have gone to any tour date of him but he felt so sure he would have rejected him – because the stories he heard from Zayn and Ed and everyone else weren't so reassuring, everyone kept telling him how different he was and it wasn't worth trying.

Zayn's message distracts him: _"Did Liam send you a txt for the song on the radio right? I feel so sorry for him sometimes. Btw merry christmas, hope we can meet before i leave for the tour xx"_

Harry laughs thinking about the opposite reactions Zayn and Liam had and wonders how it’s possible for them to get along so well when they basically don't agree on anything. 

_"Merry Christmas, and yes that bloke is helpless! Don't you miss it, though?"_ It takes a while for Zayn to answer – Harry thinks that he has suffered more that he ever admitted (to him, at least) and that is why he hates so much Louis. The group would have probably been over anyway in a few years, even with Louis, he's sure of that. 

He kind of misses all of it: the tours, the bus and all the stressful moments – but they always found a way to have a laugh anyway. He likes writing, he likes conveying all his emotions onto a piece of paper but the adrenaline he got on the stage – that was completely different. 

_"yeah i do, a bit. but you don't get too emotional, ok? enjoy your christmas!"_

Harry takes his guitar, plays a couple of songs he's working on until his mom comes asking for help in the kitchen. 

"Then you could play a bit for your nephew, yeah? Maybe not your songs: Jingle Bells will do just fine"

The way his mom tells him she doesn't enjoy the sadness in his music isn't very subtle. Harry nods at that and thinks. 

(All the times Ed has told him _'could you please stop writing about him, this is getting embarrassing'_ and the thing was, he wasn't thinking about Louis at all while writing but somehow he could see him in his lyrics and that killed him anytime Ed made him realise that because he was unconsciously in his head all the time).

He enjoys cooking with his mom because it reminds Harry about his childhood and when she tried to teach him the basics and told him "because one day you will grow up and sadly will leave me. But I hope this will happen as later as possible" - she had no idea of course of what his life would have turned into but her love for him, that never ever changed. And that feels so reassuring for Harry.

As soon as he puts the turkey in the oven, the bell rings. Harry thinks it must be some of his friends coming to greet him: since he moved back to London he hasn't had the chance to meet them. His old friends from the group were even thinking of a little reunion over the holidays, so it must be one of them. They are all getting married and, well, growing up, so he understands why they feel this strong need to get back to their teens, even if only for a couple of hours in a garage. He definitely needs it too, even though he hasn't got a family and well, not really living the life of an average _adult._

He loves to go back _home_ , because people there remembered the Harry before the fame, and some of them don't treat him as Harry Styles the ex-popstar but Harry Styles the actual person, the one with _his own feelings._

He opens the door absent-minded, smiling, until he sees who's behind it. He is on the verge of greeting the person there, but every word gets stuck in his throat and all he can do is stare at him, at – it's like the world stops for a second, every single coherent thought dies in his head, and Harry is sure that he's not supposed to feel this way, he is supposed to immediately close the door, let him understand that he is a total asshole, for ruining his vacations, for ruining – well, for ruining _his life_. But he doesn't.

 

"You?" is all he can say because he can't even say his name to himself, let alone say it out loud.

"Hi" he says. "I,uhm, ehm..." (everyone told him how full of himself he seemed most of the time but in this moment Harry has a hard time to imagine that). He doesn't know what to do – he waits and listens whatever he has to say because that would be really interesting, to make up for ten years of absence and it is hard to believe that it’s Louis and he is not dreaming (because he actually pictured this moment so many times in his head it must be his own fantasies coming to haunt him in his dreams now). "I wanted to, uhm – "

But then, memories from the past flash into Harry's brain – that day at the studio, the way he left, the emptiness he left in the apartment and in his heart, and he realizes nothing could make up for it. _Nothing_ he will say will give him back those ten years.

And he's about to say something, but instead his body acts first, his arm reaches for the door and he wants so badly to shut it on his face, he wants so badly to end this, _for good,_ but, but – 

the point is, he remembers also all the rest, what came before. The first time their eyes met in Manchester (and it was maybe a couple of seconds, and he wondered, ‘who knows if I'll see those blue eyes again.’), the first time Louis smiled at him at bootcamp, those endless nights awake trying to understand (if they were just friends or) and the first awkward kiss, and the necessity to feel the touch of the other, and the first time he really felt what was like to be part of a _whole_ and. 

He's not really pushing the door that hard now, so Louis can block it without much effort. 

He can't really shut him out, whatever that means – he can hear Zayn's voice saying "He's an asshole, don't ever let him get into your life again", but it feels distant now, covered by echoes of all the ' _I love you's_ and _'I'll be yours forever'_.

Louis is not as Zayn described him because in this moment he seems so vulnerable – he barely knows what to say and is looking at Harry in the same way he used to (like no one else as ever looked at him), like not even a day as passed since - 

"I don't-- listen, I don't know how to say it, but it is-- I was driving home and I heard that song on the radio and – I mean, I had this crazy dream last night and believe me, it felt so real, I never left and we were still in the group with the boys and we were so ridiculously happy and we lived in this amazing house just outside London and we adopted a kid and she was beautiful, believe me, and we had an amazing Christmas dinner with both our families because we were a family, you know? And then the boys came over and Liam had a stupid jumper with a reindeer on, and we were still the same even if sounds crazy after 13 years, we were all the same people we knew at the bungalow – And you wrote amazing songs, I was amazed because you weren't that great at the time with the guitar, but there you were just ---" (he maybe talks about a dream but he is so convincing that Harry can almost picture it). Louis' voice breaks and all Harry says "Let's take a walk, okay?" Louis nods and, while Harry tries not to show off his emotions, Louis doesn't seem scared to do it. They take a walk to nowhere in particular, both staring at the ground, unable to say anything.

"Can you say something, even that I'm completely crazy, it will be fine, I'd understand,” Louis says, as he recomposes himself a bit. Well, what does he expect him to say, showing up at his mom's house and telling him about a dream and a kid. Their own kid. They had joked lots of time when they babysitted Lux, okay, but that was all. But he has always told Louis he was great, he was great with his sisters and he would have been a great dad, so he thinks that maybe it wouldn't have been something so crazy as it could sound, Lou and Tom have always trusted them back then, and they kept on trusting him later on, and. Well, he thought of course many times, what if he never left, what our lives would have been like, and he can't believe that it took Louis so many years to dream about it, to actually reflect upon it. Did – did the thought ever hit him earlier? Did he ever think about him, ever? He knew that the person he saw on tv was the exact same person he used to be in the group, when he had to fake they didn't even live together, so Harry couldn't understand. Did he run away to be himself? Then why, nothing changed, and all he could see on tv was the Louis with a mask on, not the Louis he knew from the beginning and love, the one that wasn't afraid to show he was scared or angry or _in love_ , and at some point he decided that maybe that was the Louis he created in his own mind, and while the time passed, the memories faded a bit and all he remembered was just a big lie, somehow. But now that Louis is in front of him, he feels quite confident that Louis' life is a big lie, not _his_. He probably felt comfortable in being the one who people expected him to be. But Harry knows better. Harry knows the real Louis. That one who was even afraid to talk to him, certainly not over-confident as the media portraits him. 

Being completely absorbed by his thoughts, Harry realizes he hasn't given an answer to Louis yet. 

"You are a bit crazy, yes." Then he pauses. It is hard because he has so many questions – but he doesn't want to let it go so easily, so he only adds: "It has been ten years, not a couple of months, what do you expect me to say?"

"You could have shut that door, first of all". Harry doesn't say anything then, so Louis smiles a bit and waits for the other one to say something, but he doesn't, so he keeps on talking. "I know I can't say anything that will make up for what I've done and I know how stupid I've been, believe me, because I thought, I could never stand the pressure, I could never make it, I mean, tell the whole world how I feel about you -"

"You said feel, not felt” he says, feeling quite stupid for making him notice it.

"I've always been bad with grammar, you know." And then they're both smiling – still standing a meter away from each other, though, feeling a bit awkward. Louis speaks again, as Harry is still unable to put words together, which is kind of ironic for a songwriter, he thinks. 

"I know, the whole dream thing is completely crazy, I woke up this morning and I was really confused, and then I was thinking about what we really had, and Leeds came to my mind. I thought about Leeds and how happy we were there – and I realized, it wasn't because we were alone, we've been alone a lot of times anyway, it was because it was the only time we really were ourselves, we didn't have to hide and I swear, Harry, I've never been happier in my entire life."

"I know." 

Harry remembers every seconds of it and he may have written one or two songs about those days - hearts beating faster, one against each other in the small tent Louis has so much complained about (but he didn't mind really, because it was an excuse to never let go of each other during the night), and holding hands in the dark when people were focused on the singer on stage, and the rain and the mud ( _"this is just like our own little Woodstock"_ ) and matching wellies, because it was good to feel coupley, if only for a few days, and lights waking them up early in the morning but with the most ecstatic smiles on their faces, and – yeah, well. All of it. 

Harry is trying to figure out what to say, still a bit confused and overwhelmed by these memories suddenly floating back in his mind all together.

"I know, it wasn't me, it was you you had to figure this out. It took you a shitload of time." 

He doesn't sound angry, just incredibly sad and melancholic because he wishes he had thought about it ten years earlier, he wishes he didn't give up, he wishes Louis would have listened to him and not run away so easily. He wishes Louis understood they could do it, together. That it was okay to be afraid, because he was too, but if saying it to the world would have meant to be openly together, he would have accepted all the consequences. It wouldn't have been easy, of course, but it would have been _better_ of what he has gone through. 

" I-- just, please, I'm not asking you to – just, forget what happened, but like, if we can just, meet for a coffee, someday? Talk a bit? And see what will happen then?" Louis says, speaking fast and not even looking into Harry's eyes because he has been pondering all morning about what to say, how to say it and now these words come out all together because he doesn't have anything else to say to convince him. And he hopes it has been enough. 

"Yeah, I think we could, yeah” And Harry doesn't know when and where and if things will fix and what will come out of it; what he knows is that he doesn't want to spend other ten years wondering _what if_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank so much to everyone that took their time to read this and left a comment or a kudos, hope you enjoy this final part.  
> I actually started writing this at the beginning of July and only yesterday I managed to write a decent ending (I hope!).


End file.
